Tech's biggest antitrust battles ended with settlements that change almost nothing. Tim Sweeney signed a gag order with Google, legally barred from criticizing them until 2032. The man who called them 'crooked' and 'deceptive' repeatedly now faces eight years of silence in exchange for a settlement check.

Google dropped Play Store commissions to 20% and created a third-party app store process, but the monopoly remains intact. Epic's lawsuit that was supposed to break up the fortress instead produced a PR stunt and minor fee adjustment. Twenty percent is still massive, and the new process will be bureaucratic hell.

Meanwhile, seven major tech companies signed a White House data center pledge about electricity costs that amounts to kabuki theater. These companies consume obscene amounts of power to train AI models that mostly hallucinate. They're not doing this because they care about your electric bill—they're creating a PR shield against future legislation while quietly expanding their server farms.