‘Attention Infidelity’ Is Ruining Romance

New York Times Top Stories · October 1, 2026 at 10:43 PM ET

🇬🇧 English

A few weeks ago the independent movie “Before Sunrise” popped into my mind. A 1990s classic and the first in a trilogy, the film is about two cerebral 20-somethings, Céline and Jesse, who meet cute on a train to Paris. They decide to hop off in Vienna, and spend a day together bantering, interacting with locals, wandering the beautiful city without purpose and falling in love. They relate in spite of cultural differences (he is American, she is French, they both talk to Austrians) and gendered ones, too. As I was replaying the movie in my mind, I had a thought that made my stomach drop: My children may never get to experience this. By “this” I mean the uninterrupted attention, general serendipity and conversational vulnerability that I got to experience before smartphones.

“Before Sunrise” even somewhat presaged our screen-addled present. In her review of the film in The New York Times, Janet Maslin notes Jesse’s commentary on the “dubious spiritual value of technology,” when he states, “You never hear somebody say, ‘Well, you know, with the time I’ve saved by using my word processor, I’m going to go to a Zen monastery and hang out.’”Mine is not a new fear, and I realize it is born out of a kind of nostalgia. From the pollster and public opinion researcher Daniel Cox’s forthcoming book, “Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection,” I learned a new term: “attention infidelity.” Cox defines it in a somewhat unusual and expansive way: when a partner’s digital life intrudes on an in-person connection. This kind of “infidelity” can include looking at sexually explicit material or engaging in suggestive social media interactions, but more often it is just the banal distraction of dead-eyed scrolling. “Instead of reaching for each other,” Cox explains, “we snatch up our digital devices that flood us with an endless stream of hyper-curated content."

Though couples of any age experience this to some degree — my husband and I try to leave our devices in the kitchen after dinner so we can actually talk to each other — people like us who got together before the smartphone at least had the benefit of cementing our bonds with long stretches of concentrated attention. That kind of sustained focus breeds deeper understanding across differences and more grace. Some may dismiss this kind of worry about young people’s nascent relationships as a technological moral panic. But Cox, who is the director of the Survey Center on American Life at the right-leaning American Enterprise Institute, has compiled a list of sobering statistics that show that screens are a driving factor in how disconnected teenagers and 20-somethings are from one another. Gen Z-ers, the first generation that can’t remember a world without smartphones, participate less in “embodied social experiences” than their counterparts in every other generation. They’re less likely to work, go to church, attend parties, date or play sports, Cox notes. About half of teenagers describe themselves as “almost constantly” online. There is no other change that has occurred in the past few decades that would explain this unique decline. Young people’s very online isolation, which was worsened by the Covid lockdown, means they have much less practice interacting with new people and navigating the usual friction and established norms. This, Cox writes, has left them lonely, unmoored and distrustful of each other. While dating has always been challenging and provided fodder for complaint, today’s teenagers and 20-somethings have a starting point of greater suspicion, which can be poison for the creation of romantic relationships.

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🇸🇦 العربية

‘خيانة الانتباه’ تهدد الرومانسية الحديثة

‘خيانة الانتباه’ تهدد الرومانسية

منذ أسابيع، دخلت إليّ فيلم "Before Sunrise" الكلاسيكي المستقل. فيلم من ثمانينات التسعينيات وهو الأول من ثلاثية، يتناول الفيلم شخصين عقليين في العشرين من عمرهما، سيليان وجيسي، اللذين التقيا بشكل لطيف على قطار إلى باريس. قررا النزول في فيينا، وقضاء يوم معًا في المزاح، والتفاعل مع السكان المحليين، والتجول في المدينة الجميلة دون هدف، والسقوط في الحب. وعلى الرغم من الاختلافات الثقافية (هو أمريكي، وهي فرنسية، وهما يتحدثان مع austriens) والاختلافات الجندرية أيضاً. وبينما كنت أعيد تشغيل الفيلم في ذهني، راودني Thought جعل معدتي تنخفض: قد لا يحصل أطفالي على فرصة تجربة هذا. بما أنني أقصد بهذا الانتباه غير المنقطع، والصدفة العامة، والضعف في المحادثة الذي استطعت تجربته قبل الهواتف الذكية.

حتى "Before Sunrise" إلى حد ما سبق أن تنبأنا بحاضرنا المليء بالشاشات. في مراجعتها لفيلمها في The New York Times، لاحظت Janet Maslin تعليق Jesse حول "القيمة الروحية怀疑ية للتكنولوجيا"، عندما قال: "لا أحد يقول ever، ‘حسنًا، مع الوقت الذي وفرته باستخدام معالجي الكلمات، سأتجه إلى دير زن وأقضي الوقت.’"

خوفي ليس جديداً، وأنا أدرك أنه ينبع من نوع من الحنين. من باحث استطلاعات الرأي وباحث الرأي العام Daniel Cox،whose forthcoming book, "Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection"، learnt a new term: "Khiyanat al-intiba". Cox defines it in a somewhat unusual and expansive way: when a partner's digital life intrudes on an in-person connection. This kind of "infidelity" can include looking at sexually explicit material or engaging in suggestive social media interactions, but more often it is just the banal distraction of dead-eyed scrolling. "Instead of reaching for each other," Cox explains, "we snatch up our digital devices that flood us with an endless stream of hyper-curated content."

على الرغم من أن أي زوجين قد يعانون من هذا إلى درجة ما —أنا وزوجي نحاول ترك أجهزتنا في المطبخ بعد العشاء لنتمكن من التحدث حقًا مع بعضنا البعض— إلا أن الأشخاص مثلي الذين التقوا قبل smartphones على الأقل استفيدوا من تقوية روابطهم بفترات طويلة من الانتباه المركّز. هذا النوع من التركيز المستمر يزرع فهمًا أعمق للاختلافات وأكثر رحمة. قد يستهين البعض بهذا النوع من القلق بشأن علاقات الشباب الناشئة على أنه هلع أخلاقي تقني. لكن Cox، الذي هو مدير Survey Center on American Institute الأمريكي اليميني الميل، قام بتجميع قائمة من الإحصائيات المثيرة للقلق التي تُظهر أن الشاشات هيfactor driving كيف أن المراهقين والشباب العشرينات أصبحوا disconnected من بعضهم البعض. جيل Z، الجيل الأول الذي لا يمكنه تذكر عالم بدون هواتف ذكية، يشاركون أقل في "التجارب الاجتماعية الملموسة" من أقرانهم في كل جيل آخر. هم أقل عرضة للعمل، أو الذهاب إلى الكنيسة، أو حضور الحفلات، أو المواعدة، أو ممارسة الرياضات، يشير Cox. يصف حوالي نصف المراهقين أنفسهم بأنهم "almost constantly" online. لا يوجد تغيير آخر حدث في العقود القليلة الماضية يفسر هذا الانخفاض الفريد. عزلة الشباب عبر الإنترنت، التي worsened by the Covid lockdown، تعني أنهم لديهم ممارسة أقل بكثير للتفاعل مع أشخاص جدد وتجاوز الاحتكاك العادي والنظم المقررة. هذا، يكتب Cox، تركهم يشعرون بالوحدة، والعزلة، وعدم الثقة ببعضهم البعض. وبينما كانت المواعدة دائماً صعبة وتوفر مادة للشكاوى، إلا أن المراهقين والشباب العشرينات اليوم لديهم نقطة بداية من الشكوك المتزايدة، مما يمكن أن يكون سمًا لخلق علاقات رومانسية.

ما هو ‘خيانة الانتباه’ وكيف تؤثر على الرومانسية الحديثة؟

خيانة الانتباه تحدث عندما تخترق حياة الشريك الرقمية الاتصال الشخصي، وغالبًا من خلال التمرير الممل بدلاً من المحتوى الصريح، مما يؤدي إلى تآكل الضعف والثقة الأساسيين للعلاقات العاطفية.

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🇪🇸 Español

‘Infidelidad de atención’ está minando el romance moderno

‘Infidelidad de atención’ está rompiendo el romance

Hace unas semanas, la película independiente "Before Sunrise" entró en mi mente. Un clásico de los años 90 y la primera de una trilogía, la película trata sobre dos jóvenes intelectuais, Celine y Jesse, que se conocen de manera graciosa en un tren a París. Deciden bajarse en Viena y pasar un día juntos burlándose, interactuando con locales, deambulando por la hermosa ciudad sin propósito y enamorándose. Se relacionan a pesar de diferencias culturales (él es estadounidense, ella es francesa, también hablan con austriacos) y los de género. Mientras estaba replanteando la película en mi mente, tuve un pensamiento que me hizo bajar el estómago: mis hijos nunca podrán experimentar esto. Por "esto" me refiero a la atención ininterrumpida, la general serendipia y la vulnerabilidad conversacional que experimenté antes de los teléfonos inteligentes.

"Before Sunrise" incluso profetizó de alguna manera nuestro presente saturado de pantallas. En su reseña del film en The New York Times, Janet Maslin nota el comentario de Jesse sobre el "dudoso valor espiritual de la tecnología", cuando afirma: "Nunca he oído a alguien decir, ‘Bueno, sabes, con el tiempo que he ahorrado usando mi procesador de palabras, voy a ir a un monasterio zen y pasar el tiempo.’". Mi miedo no es nuevo, y me doy cuenta de que nace de un tipo de nostalgia. Del encuestador e investigador de opinión pública Daniel Cox, cuyo libro próximo a publicarse, "Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection", aprendí un nuevo término: "infidelidad de atención". Cox lo define de una manera algo inusual y amplia: cuando la vida digital de una pareja invade una conexión en persona. Este tipo de "infidelidad" puede incluir la visualización de material sexualmente explícito o participar en interacciones sociales sugerentes en redes sociales, pero con mayor frecuencia es solo la distracción banale de mirar fijamente la pantalla. "En lugar de alcanzarnos el uno al otro", explica Cox, "nos apropiamos de nuestros dispositivos digitales que nos inundan con un flujo interminable de contenido hiper- curado."

Aunque parejas de cualquier edad experimentan esto en algún grado —mi esposo y yo intentamos dejar nuestros dispositivos en la cocina después de cenar para poder realmente hablar entre nosotros— las personas como nosotros que nos juntamos antes de los teléfonos inteligentes al menos tuvimos el beneficio de consolidar nuestros lazos con largos períodos de atención concentrada. Ese tipo de enfoque sostenido fomenta una comprensión más profunda entre diferencias y más gracia. Algunos pueden desechar este tipo de preocupación por las relaciones nascent de los jóvenes como un pánico moral tecnológico. Pero Cox, quien es el director del Survey Center on American Life en el American Enterprise Institute de tendencia derechista, ha compilado una lista de estadísticas preocupantes que muestran que las pantallas son un factor impulsor de cómo los adolescentes y los veinteañeros se están desconectando unos de otros. Los de la generación Z, la primera generación que no puede recordar un mundo sin teléfonos inteligentes, participan menos en "experiencias sociales encarnadas" que sus contrapartes en cualquier otra generación. Son menos propensos a trabajar, ir a la iglesia, asistir a fiestas, citas o jugar deportes, señala Cox. Aproximadamente la mitad de los adolescentes se describen como "casi constantemente" en línea. No hay otro cambio ocurrido en las últimas pocas décadas que explicaría esta caída única. El aislamiento en línea de los jóvenes, que se agravó por el bloqueo de Covid, significa que tienen mucha menos práctica interactuando con nuevas personas y navegando la fricción usual y las normas establecidas. Esto, escribe Cox, los ha dejado solos, desamparados y desconfiados el uno del otro. Aunque el citas siempre ha sido un desafío y ha proporcionado materia para quejas, hoy en día los adolescentes y los veinteañeros tienen un punto de partida de mayor sospecha, lo cual puede ser veneno para la creación de relaciones románticas.

¿Qué es ‘infidelidad de atención’ y cómo afecta al romance moderno?

La infidelidad de atención ocurre cuando la vida digital de una pareja invade la conexión en persona, a menudo mediante un desplazamiento banales en lugar de contenido explícito, erosionando la vulnerabilidad y la confianza esenciales para los lazos románticos.

Español version →

🇫🇷 Français

‘Infidélité de l’attention’ érode la romance moderne

‘Infidélité de l’attention’ érode la romance

Il y a quelques semaines, le film indépendant "Before Sunrise" m'est venu à l'esprit. Un classique des années 1990 et le premier d'une trilogie, le film raconte deux jeunes intellectuels, Celine et Jesse, qui se sont rencontrés de manière sympathique dans un train pour Paris. Ils décident de descendre à Vienne, et de passer une journée ensemble à banter, à interagir avec les locaux, à déambuler dans la belle ville sans but et à tomber amoureux. Ils se rapportent malgré des différences culturelles (il est américain, elle est française, ils parlent tous deux avec des Autrichiens) et aussi des différences genrées. Alors que je rejouais le film dans mon esprit, j'ai eu une pensée qui m'a fait descendre dans mon estomac : mes enfants ne pourront peut-être jamais vivre cela. Par "cela", je veux dire l'attention ininterrompue, la sérendipité générale et la vulnérabilité conversationnelle que j'ai pu vivre avant les smartphones.

"Before Sunrise" a même quelque peu présagé notre présent saturé d'écrans. Dans sa critique du film dans The New York Times, Janet Maslin note le commentaire de Jesse sur la "valeur spirituelle douteuse de la technologie", lorsqu'il déclare : "On n'entend jamais quelqu'un dire, 'Bien, vous savez, avec le temps que j'ai économisé en utilisant mon traitement de texte, je vais aller dans un monastère zen et y passer du temps.'"

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Français version →

🇮🇳 हिन्दी

‘ध्यान भंग’ आधुनिक रोमांस को कमजोर कर रही है

कुछ हफ्ते पहले, फिल्म "Before Sunrise" मेरा दिमाग में आई। 1990 के दशक की एक क्लासिक और एक त्रयी की पहली फिल्म, यह फिल्म दो बौद्धिक 20-वर्षीय, सेलाइन और Jesse के बारे में है, जो एक ट्रेन में मिलते हैं पेरिस के लिए। वे वियना में कूद पड़ते हैं, और एक साथ दिन बिताते हैं छेड़छाड़ करते हुए, स्थानीय लोगों के साथ बातचीत करते हुए, उद्देश्य के बिना शहर की सुंदरता में घूमते हुए, और प्यार में पड़ते हैं। वे सांस्कृतिक अंतरों के बावजूद संबंधित होते हैं (वह अमेरिकी है, वह फ्रांसीसी है, वे दोनों ऑस्ट्रियाई लोगों से बात करते हैं) और लिंग आधारित ones भी। जैसे ही मैं दिमाग में फिल्म दोहरा रहा था, मुझे एक विचार आया जिसने मेरा पेट नीचे गिरा दिया: मेरे बच्चे कभी इस अनुभव को नहीं पा सकेंगे। "इस" से मेरा मतलब उन अविचलित ध्यान, सामान्य संयोग और बातचीत की कमजोररी से है जिसे मुझे स्मार्टफोन से पहले अनुभव करने को मिला था।

"Before Sunrise" ने भी हमारे स्क्रीन-आधारित वर्तमान का कुछ हद तक पूर्वाभास किया है। The New York Times में फिल्म की समीक्षा में, Janet Maslin ने Jesse की टिप्पणी पर ध्यान दिया है "technology के संदिग्ध आध्यात्मिक मूल्य" के बारे में, जब वह कहते हैं, "आपको कभी किसी को यह कहते हुए नहीं सुना होगा, ‘खैर, तुम जानते हो, जिस समय मैं अपने वर्ड प्रोसेसर का उपयोग करके बचाया, मैं एक जेन मठ में जाऊंगा और समय बिताऊंगा.’"

मेरा डर नया नहीं है, और मुझे एहसास है कि यह एक प्रकार की nostalgia से पैदा होता है। पोल्लस्टर और सार्वजनिक राय के शोधकर्ता Daniel Cox की upcoming पुस्तक, "Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection" से, मुझे एक नया शब्द मिला: "ध्यान भंग". Cox ने इसे एक कुछ असामान्य और व्यापक तरीके से परिभाषित किया है: जब साथी की डिजिटल जीवन व्यक्ति से जुड़ाव में घुसपैठ करती है। इस प्रकार का "भंग" में यौन रूप से स्पष्ट सामग्री देखना या सुझावपूर्ण सामाजिक मीडिया बातचीत में शामिल होना शामिल हो सकता है, लेकिन अधिक बार यह सिर्फ बोरिंग स्क्रॉलिंग है। "एक-दूसरे की ओर बढ़ने के बजाय," Cox समझाते हैं, "हम अपने डिजिटल उपकरणों को पकड़ लेते हैं जो हमें hyper- संग्रहीत सामग्री की无限 धारा से भर देते हैं."

किसी भी उम्र के जोड़ों को इस हद तक कुछ हद तक अनुभव हो सकता है — मेरा पति और मैं कोशिश करते हैं कि रात के खाने के बाद अपने उपकरणों को रसोई में छोड़ दें ताकि हम वास्तव में एक-दूसरे से बात कर सकें — लेकिन जैसे हम लोगों ने स्मार्टफोन से पहले एक साथ मिले थे, कम से कम हमारे बंधनों को लंबे समय तक केंद्रित ध्यान के साथ मजबूत करने का लाभ था। इस प्रकार का sustained ध्यान अंतरों के बीच गहरी समझ पैदा करता है और अधिक दया। कुछ लोग युवाओं के उभरते हुए संबंधों के बारे में इस प्रकार की चिंता को एक तकनीकी नैतिक घबराहट के रूप में खारिज कर सकते हैं। लेकिन Cox, जो right-leaning American Enterprise Institute के Survey Center on American Life के निदेशक हैं, ने एक सूची संकलित की है sobering आँकड़े जो दिखाते हैं कि स्क्रीन यह है कि किशोर और 20-वर्षीय एक-दूसरे से कैसे अलग हो रहे हैं। Z-पीढ़ी, पहली पीढ़ी जो स्मार्टफोन के बिना विश्व याद नहीं कर सकती, हर अन्य पीढ़ी की तुलना में "embodied social experiences" में कम भाग लेती है। वे कम संभावना से काम पर जाते हैं, मंदिर जाते हैं, पार्टियों में जाते हैं, डेटिंग करते हैं या खेल खेलते हैं, Cox बताते हैं। किशोरों के लगभग आधे खुद को "almost constantly" ऑन describe करते हैं। पिछले कुछ दशकों में हुई कोई अन्य बदलाव इस अनोखे गिरावट की व्याख्या नहीं कर सकती। युवाओं का बहुत ऑनलाइन अलगाव, जिसे Covid लॉकडाउन ने बढ़ाया है, का मतलब है कि उन्हें नए लोगों के साथ बातचीत करने और usual घर्षण और स्थापित मानदंडों नेविगेट करने का बहुत कम अभ्यास है। यह, Cox लिखते हैं, उन्हें अकेला, बेसहारा और एक-दूसरे पर अविश्वासपूर्ण छोड़ गया है। हालांकि डेटिंग हमेशा चुनौतीपूर्ण रही है और शिकायतों के लिए fodder प्रदान किया है, लेकिन आज के किशोर और 20-वर्षीय की एक शुरुआती बिंदु अधिक संदेह का है, जो रोमांटिक संबंधों के निर्माण के लिए विषैला हो सकता है।

‘ध्यान भंग’ क्या है और यह आधुनिक रोमांस को कैसे प्रभावित करती है?

ध्यान भंग तब होती है जब साथी की डिजिटल जीवन व्यक्ति से जुड़ाव में घुसपैठ करती है, अक्सर बोरिंग स्क्रॉलिंग के माध्यम से rather than स्पष्ट सामग्री, जिससे रोमांटिक बंधनों के लिए आवश्यक कमजोरिता और विश्वास कमजोर हो जाता है।

हिन्दी version →

🇨🇳 简体中文

‘注意力出轨’如何破坏现代浪漫

‘注意力出轨’正在破坏浪漫

几周前，电影《黎明之前》突然闯入我的脑海。这是一部1990年的经典作品，也是三部曲的第一部。影片讲述两个聪慧的二十岁年轻人，塞琳和杰西，在前往巴黎的火车上相遇。他们决定在维也纳下车，白天一起调情、与当地人互动、漫游这座美丽的城市无目的地漫步，并坠入爱河。尽管存在文化差异（他是美国人，她是法国人，他们都在与奥地利人交谈）以及性别差异。随着我脑中重放这部电影，我产生了一个让我 stomach 下沉的想法：我的孩子可能永远无法体验到这一点。所谓的“这一点”，指的是我在智能手机出现前所经历的专注关注、普遍的偶然性和对话脆弱性。

《黎明之前》甚至在某种程度上预见了我们屏幕为王的现在。在《纽约时报》对该片的评论中，Janet Maslin 注意到杰西对“技术的可疑精神价值”的评论，他说：“没人会说，‘通过使用我的文字处理器我节省的时间，我会去一个禅修院待着。’”我的恐惧并非新事物，我意识到它源于一种怀旧情感。从民意调查员和公众意见研究员Daniel Cox即将出版的书籍《Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection》中，我学到了一个新术语：“注意力出轨”。Cox 以一种有些不寻常且广泛的方式定义它：当伴侣的数字生活侵入面对面的连接时。这种“出轨”可能包括观看性露骨材料或在社交媒体上进行暗示性互动，但更多时候只是枯燥的盯着屏幕发呆。“与其相向而行，”Cox 解释道，“我们抓起我们的数字设备，这些设备淹没着我们一 endless 流的高度精选内容。”

尽管任何年龄的情侣都会在某种程度上经历这种情况——我的丈夫和我试图在晚餐后把设备留在厨房，以便我们实际上可以交谈——但像我们这样在智能手机出现前就结合在一起的人，至少有通过长时间的集中关注来巩固纽带的好处。这种持续的专注培养了跨差异的更深层理解和更多的宽容。一些人可能会将这种关于年轻人萌芽恋情的担忧视为一种技术道德恐慌。但Cox是美国企业研究院右倾向的Survey Center on American Life的主任，他整理了一份令人不安的统计数据列表，表明屏幕是青少年和二十多岁年轻人相互联系日益疏远的驱动因素。Z世代，即第一代无法记住没有智能手机世界的世代，比其他任何一代都更少参与“具身社交体验”。他们不太可能工作、去教堂、参加聚会、约会或打球，Cox 指出。大约一半的青少年形容自己是“几乎一直”在线的。过去几十年没有其他变化能解释这种独特的下降。年轻人非常在线的孤立感，被新冠封锁加剧，意味着他们与新人互动的练习少得多，也少得多地经历通常的摩擦和既定规范。这，Cox 写道，让他们感到孤独、无所依靠且互不信任。虽然约会一直充满挑战并提供了投诉的素材，但如今的青少年和二十多岁年轻人起点更加充满疑虑，这可能是浪漫关系形成的毒药。

什么是‘注意力出轨’以及它如何影响现代浪漫？

注意力出轨是指伴侣的数字生活侵入面对面的连接，通常是通过枯燥的滑动而不是明确内容，这会侵蚀浪漫关系中必不可少的脆弱性和信任。

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